Purpose. Identity. Perspective.
Those three ideas ring loudly as I take moments to “breathe” amidst the chaos here. Why am I here again? What are my goals, aspirations, hopes and dreams? Is what I am doing contributing to God’s Kingdom here on earth? Will what I WANT to do contribute to His Kingdom? Do I place my identify and find validation in my career or relationships? Do I keep in mind that everything I do is secondary to Him and what He has called me to do?
God has reinforced His greatness in my life in this most recent season. He has shown me over and over that He is my Father who is tremendously faithful and simply good to me. He is my Peace that passes all of my understanding. He is my Creator who KNOWS me and LOVES me. He is out for my good and WANTS to bless us. He aches when we ache. He hurts when we hurt. He cares for us when we are unable to stand.
God has called me into a teaching career for the past five years in a low-income school. It has been completely eye-opening, challenging, and refining 5/7 days of the week. I would wake up morning after morning attempting to budget for what that day may hold-various behaviors of the students, parent/teacher meetings, paperwork completion/deadlines, etc. No matter how hard I tried to budget or prepare, I still found myself realizing that I am completely inadequate. In the moment, I would begin praying aloud to God for strength to endure the current circumstance. I kid you not, there were many times I wanted to grab my car keys and just go home and cry myself to sleep. To be honest, I can’t believe I stuck it out and didn’t just walk out.
I cannot tell you how many times I heard things like, “God has called you to this, so you need to be faithful.” OR… here is another one… “God promises to never give us more than we can handle, so that must mean your pretty great!” During those conversations, I would smile and nod. Meanwhile I’m thinking, “Shut up! Are. You. Kidding. Me? WHY ME. What if I don’t WANT to be faithful. It’s hard!! Why did He choose ME to do this?I do not want to be here nor do I want to come back tomorrow just to go through the same type of situations again. I am too weak to go one more day.”
My job had no relief. I would take weekend trips to get away with friends to refresh my soul with community and God. To remember my purpose and identity and perspective.
Being the good, good Father that He is, He heard my cry and lifted me up out of the pit and set my feet securely on high. He did this with my circumstances, yes, but He also changed me at my core in the process. I really love how when we get to the “other side” and look back and just count the crazy, beautiful ways that He was faithful, never leaving us during the process. This gives us Hope. Even though our lateral is up in arms, we can be sure and hopeful in the fact that our Vertical is peaceful, steadfast and a safe haven for us.
I do not want to dwell on the past, because He has created something new for me and He is continuing to perform it in me until His return. However, remembering His faithfulness provides a renewed perspective waking up in the morning. He is the reason why we are here. We are not here for us. We can attempt to manipulate or control our every day circumstances, but I am just going to tell you how completely FREEING it is to just give it to our Savior because He REALLY does care for us. Control is a fallacy. Control is a fallacy. Control is a fallacy!
He is so much bigger than the box we put him in. He is wanting to do far above what we could ever imagine, ask or think. He wants us to go through life and enjoy all He has done in and around us. Why are we so surprised when He blesses us SIMPLY because He loves us and wants more for us? (Gosh…so rebuking, yet thankful for His mercy and grace towards me.)
I believe my Father. He is out for my good. I trust that.
“He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Revelation 21:5